It is easy to understand the goals of
children’s behavior if you know what
to look for. It is easy to manage
children’s unwanted behavior if you understand their goals. Rudolf Dreikurs originally developed the idea that there are four types
of children’s misbehavior, an idea developed by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay in Systematic Training for Effective Parenting.
The first clue to
understanding the purpose of misbehavior is to be aware of how you feel when
the behavior occurs. For instance,
if a parent finds the behavior annoying, the child is most likely seeking
attention.
The second clue to
understanding the behavior is to notice how children respond when you respond
to their behavior. If a parent gives in to demands for attention in positive
ways (giving in to the demand), or in negative ways (scolding, criticizing),
the child will be temporarily satisfied but soon returns for another helping.
The optimal response to
inappropriate attention seeking is to give a child attention for making a
positive contribution. The
reactions and responses to unwanted behaviors are listed below.
Keep in mind that Attention,
Power, Revenge, demonstrating Inadequacy and Independence can be sought in
either positive or negative ways:
·
Children thrive when they get attention for making a
positive contributions,
·
Are encouraged when they learn positive and productive
uses of power
·
Feel socially connected when they can correct
injustice,
·
Arrange to increase knowledge and competency when they
recognize feeling unprepared, and
·
Launch into productive adulthood when they can meet the
previous four goals routinely.
Goal/Reaction | Parents feel/think:
|
Children feel/think: | Parents’ typical reaction | Child’s typical reaction | Optimal responses |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
Attention | Annoyed |
-I count only when I am being noticed or served. |
-Remind, scold, or coax; |
-Temporarily stops when given either positive or negative attention but soon continues; |
-Ignore annoying behavior when possible; |
Power | Angry |
-I count only when I get my own way, when you do what I want you to do, when I can do whatever I want. |
-Engages in power struggle, try to control child. |
-Intensifies action when reprimanded; |
-Withdraw from conflict; act, rather than talk; |
Revenge | Hurt |
-Life is unfair. |
-Telling the child they hurt you” or |
-Wants to get even when feeling hurt. |
-Avoid retaliation or punishment. |
Display of Inadequacy | Hopeless |
-I can't do anything right so I won't try to do anything at all; |
-Despair, hopeless, discouraged; |
-If the parent doesn’t demand or scold, the child goes away and does not come back. |
-Encourage any positive effort; |
Independence | Alone |
-I need to be in charge of my own life. |
-I still need to parent you to feel that I have value. |
Increases independence, |
-Allow children to experience the consequences of their own behavior, either positive or negative. |